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One Year

November 6, 2018

Photo by Nico Frey on Unsplash I WONDER . . . Is there a celebration in Heaven on the anniversary of the day you arrive, like we celebrate birthdays here—only much, much better? One year ago this morning my beloved father entered Glory. Early this morning I awoke to this text from our daughter Christie . . . “Love you Mama. Praying for you today as we remember and celebrate the life of our Grandpa Bubeck. Though we miss his presence daily, he gets to celebrate one year today in the throne room enveloped in the presence of his King, best friend, and Creator.” What a stunning way to look at the one-year anniversary of my father going Home. In the midst of my sorrow today, I’m choosing to celebrate that he’s had a whole year in the presence of his King Jesus! My dad would want it that way. A friend recently shared a quote from Victor Hugo with me that so resonates with my heart today: “When I go down to the grave I can say, like many others, ‘I have finished my day’s work!’ But I cannot say, ‘I have finished my life.’ My day’s work will begin again the next morning. The tomb is not a blind alley; it is a thoroughfare! It closes on the twilight, it opens on the dawn!” —Victor Hugo In loving memory of my father Mark I. Bubeck February 20, 1928 — November 6, 2017

Dwell in Psalm 91

November 4, 2018

Photo by Ray Hennessy on Unsplash I remember clinging to Psalm 91 while our family lived in China as if it was oxygen giving me my next breath. Our youngest daughter Kelly, just three at the time, battled many strange illnesses while we lived in Beijing, and I was often consumed with fear for her safety. I read and prayed Psalm 91 over her so often that I ended up memorizing it without even trying. Years later we learned that Kelly’s in-laws prayed the same psalm over our son-in-law Cal when he was a newborn with viral meningitis. What a gift to know that Kelly’s future husband was being prayed over with the same promises from Psalm 91 when he was just a baby. I see Psalm 91:1 as our 911 promise of rescue: “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High, will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” Some call Psalm 91 the soldier’s song, as many have prayed it over their loved ones in the armed forces when they’re deployed. Others see it as a warfare psalm, teaching us how to fight the good fight against the enemy of our souls. Though no author is mentioned in the Hebrew text of this psalm, Jewish tradition ascribes it to Moses as he wrote Psalm 90, while others say David wrote it—a mighty warrior himself. Regardless of who “wrote” it, I know it was inspired by our Most High, Almighty God. It’s a psalm filled with the wonder of the different names of God, and it declares His protection over us again and again. If you’re a Baby Boomer like I am, memorize this psalm while you can still remember things, and pray it over your grandchildren. Or if you’re a young mom, pray it when fear grips your heart for your little ones. Just in the first two verses we see four majestic names of our God: Most High (El Elyon in Hebrew, which means the Highest of the high), Almighty (El Shaddai, which means God of the Mountains in Hebrew), LORD (Yahweh, built on the word for “I am” in Hebrew), God (Elohim, most commonly used word for God in Hebrew). How beautiful to know that “Whoever dwells in the shelter of El Elyon, will rest in the shadow of El Shaddai. I will say of Yahweh, he is my refuge and fortress, my Elohim in whom I…

This Little Light

September 24, 2018

The just-before-peak fall aspens surround us this September morning at our campsite in our Colorado mountains. A light wind makes the aspens shimmer and dance in the sunlight, creating a sound like none other. Their vibrant burst of yellow against a mountain of evergreens takes me back to my childhood, when our family of five camped in these same mountains five decades ago. Those camping trips with Mama and Daddy and my two older sisters are some of my sweetest childhood memories. Daddy would wake up a different daughter early each morning at 4 a.m. to take us fishing because that’s when the rainbow trout were the hungriest. Daddy always caught the maximum number of fish allowed, bringing back enough trout for Mama to grill for breakfast, and often for lunch and dinner, too. One year while we were camping all three of us girls came down with the measles and fevers, which had to be super fun for our parents. Another year in the middle of the night a bear, standing on his hind legs, banged on our small camper door while Daddy stood on the other side of the door boldly yelling at the animal in a deep and fearless voice. I think that’s the only time in my life I knew Daddy was scared. One of my most vivid memories camping was when I was just eight years old in 1968, and I had a new “Big Chief” writing tablet that Mama bought me for the trip. She knew I loved to write stories and draw pictures to illustrate them. Often while my sisters were out exploring old mine shafts or having other adventures in the mountains, I’d stay close to Mama at our campsite, sitting at the picnic table, writing stories about children having adventures in the mountains. Years later when I was living on the other side of the country and Mama knew her memories were fading from Alzheimer’s, she sent me a box of my childhood treasures she’d found in their attic. At the bottom of that box I found that old writing tablet—which I still have to this day—and it sparked a fresh love of writing for me that had long been put aside. I love that my man, Rick, is grilling bacon and poblano peppers for our breakfast with cheesy eggs as I type this on my MacBook Pro—a writing tablet a…

A Mighty Fortress

August 28, 2018

Twenty years ago, our family of four lived just outside Beijing, China due to my husband’s job. One autumn day, we caravanned with a few other families to a remote part of the Great Wall in our cars, Jeeps, and sidecar motorcycles. To make it even more of an adventure, we decided to bring our tents so we could camp on the Wall that night. My husband drove the motorcycle with our two little girls and their lop-eared rabbit, Moses, tucked in the sidecar. I followed behind in our car loaded with our tents and cooler of food so we could have a BBQ on the Great Wall of China. Arriving at our favorite portion of the Wall—free from crowds and tourists—Rick pitched our tents while the girls and I climbed some steep stairs leading to a part of the Wall that resembled a remnant of a castle, surrounded by a high and strong rampart which is defined as a “wall forming part of a defensive boundary.” Our four-year-old Kelly started singing a Disney movie song, pretending to be a princess, while our six-year-old Christie twirled ‘round and ‘round inside her “castle.” Later that night as the sun began to set, we grilled chicken wings and then roasted marshmallows until the harvest moon lit the outline of the Wall as far as our eyes could see. Though it’s a memory we will never forget—and it sounds like a magical, storybook life—our three years in China were actually some of the hardest years on our family. Kelly, tiny for her age, battled many illnesses that often gripped my heart with fear for her safety. Rick’s job was extremely stressful, and just navigating the traffic in Beijing often made me wonder if he’d make it home alive after work. The enemy was also stepping up his attacks on me, especially in the area of escalating fear, and there were days I thought that he would win. Years later, when our family was long settled back in the States, I found the pictures from our camping trip on the Great Wall. One of the images was of our two small tents right in front of a portion of the Wall that included ramparts, shelters and strong towers. I realized that for most of my time in China I lived like someone in a tent, fearful and vulnerable to the storms and attacks…

Home

August 14, 2018

I just discovered the beautiful song “North” by the group Sleeping at Last. It’s the kind of song that makes me want to get away in our mountains with my journal and write while the song plays quietly over me. Or, it reminds me of the songs that close epic films that truly move your heart to tears and you don’t want to leave the theatre until the song ends. It’s about Home. The song begins with these lyrics . . . We will call this place our home The dirt in which our roots may grow Though the storms will push and pull We will call this place our home We’ll tell our stories on these walls Every year, measure how tall And just like a work of art We’ll tell our stories on these walls Maybe it’s because we moved about every two or three years while our girls were growing up, or maybe it’s because we now have an empty nest that this song brings the tears. But mostly, they are grateful tears for this season—and Home—with my Rick. Home has changed a lot for us in the last four years. Both of our darling daughters married just three months apart in 2014, then they moved hundreds of miles from our Colorado home. Our nest didn’t empty gradually; it was more like a whirlwind swept it out. But we’ve never seen our girls happier as they pursue their new lives, and Home with their dear husbands. It’s what we hoped and prayed for them when they were little girls. And now . . . this Home is growing into our favorite season of our marriage. There were times in our thirty-four years together that we wondered if we’d make it this far, so it’s even more sacred to call this place . . . Home. __________ How about you, what makes you feel like you are truly . . . Home? I’d love to hear from you so please leave a comment! __________ (According to sleepingatlast.com, “North” is the first track of Land, inspired by singer/songwriter Ryan O’Neal and his wife moving into their very first home: “My wife and I recently bought our first house. In the first few days of moving in, I took a break from carrying boxes and wrote this song. It felt only fitting to write a song about our new home, as the first…

Goodness and Mercy

March 30, 2018

I tried going to Psalm 23 for comfort and hope in the midst of my father’s suffering from cancer, just weeks before his death. Those familiar words that have brought comfort to so many rang hollow to my grieving heart . . . The LORD is my Shepherd; I shall not want. . . Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me . . . Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life . . . Those promises seemed to mock. Peace was elusive. God seemed distant . . . far away . . . uncaring. One morning as I tried turning to Psalm 23 to read those promises over my father while he was in hospice care, my Bible opened to Psalm 22 instead . . . My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest. In you our fathers trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them. To you they cried and were rescued; in you they trusted and were not put to shame. The psalmist’s cries were the same cries of my heart for my own father. But then as I kept reading, I knew those ancient words weren’t about our suffering, but a prophecy of what our Messiah would endure . . . for us. But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by mankind and despised by the people. All who see me mock me; they make mouths at me; they wag their heads; “He trusts in the Lord; let him deliver him; let him rescue him, for he delights in him!” They have pierced my hands and feet— I can count all my bones— they stare and gloat over me; they divide my garments among them, and for my clothing they cast lots. Suddenly my heart was no longer questioning and groaning for my father, but bowed at the foot of the cross as He bled and died for me. Tears were in my father’s eyes and mine as I finished reading Psalm 22 aloud over us . . . and then I finished by reading Psalm 23, which crescendos to. . . Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the…

A Still Christmas

December 12, 2017

My dad passed away only five weeks ago. We just returned to our home in Colorado after being near him in Phoenix the last few months of his life. And, Christmas is coming. It will be simple and quiet this year. A still Christmas. I think Dad’s suffering and death has put the fray of the Christmas season into a new perspective for me. I haven’t purchased one gift yet, and the only Christmas decoration I’ve put out is a treasured manger scene, reminding me our Immanuel is with us. What I love, is that is all okay. A quiet, still Christmas is an unexpected gift. As empty-nesters—with our daughters with their in-law families this Christmas—we’ve chosen a simple Christmas. And in the midst of an especially busy season at work leading right up to Christmas, I’ve given myself permission to . . . Breathe. Grieve. Embrace the quiet and simple this Christmas. I give you permission, too, to find the quiet in your Christmas. (I found this manger scene back in 1982 when I was in Warsaw, Poland, and that country was behind the Iron Curtain. It was like a breath of fresh air—and Light—to find this handmade treasure in a communist country right before Christmas.)

Covered in Hope

November 15, 2017

My father, Mark I. Bubeck, was “promoted to Glory”—as he liked to say—on Monday, November 6, 2017. For the weeks leading up to his death, my husband and I were able to be near Dad in Phoenix, and we had the sacred privilege of being by his side when he was called Home. While watching my dad suffer greatly these past months, I often thought about a story he shared in one of his books about how he was rescued in a snowstorm in the mountains when he was a young man. It is such a beautiful metaphor of how God rescued him from his suffering when he took him Home on November 6th, just ten days ago . . . While on an elk hunting expedition, I once got lost for the better part of a day. As we left camp that morning, our guide pointed toward a basin several miles above timberline and explained that we would meet there sometime in the afternoon. If any of us got separated from his hunting partner, he was to head for that basin. He promised to meet us there and guide us back to camp. We were instructed to keep a couple hundred yards between us so that we might better stumble onto an elk. But that made it difficult to keep one’s hunting partner in view, and it was not long until my partner and I were separated. The forest was so vast I could no longer see that distant basin. On top of that, clouds covered the sun, and my sense of direction was gone. My only encouragement that I was going in the right direction was that I kept going uphill. After several hours of walking and climbing, I was not interested so much in hunting as in just hoping that someone would find me. I did not have a clue as to how I would ever find my way back to camp. Finally, I broke out above timberline, saw the basin, made my way there, and sat down on a large rock to wait. Several hours passed, but no hunters appeared. To add to my anxiety, the sky darkened and it began to snow lightly. I am sure that at that moment I would have panicked if it had not been for one fact. I had hope that my guide would come for me. He had promised. He had told…

Sticks and Moves

July 28, 2017

Before his death, the old man went on a nostalgic road trip to Memphis with his thirty-something son to show him where he had grown up before it was too late. They drove with the windows down and talked of days gone by. The trip was risky as the father had only weeks, maybe days to live. Knocking on the door of his father’s childhood home, the son greets the owners: “My father grew up in this house, and we’re wondering if we could take a quick look around.” The somewhat surprised homeowner nods a nervous yes, and the father walks straight to the fireplace and removes one of the old bricks. As though discovering a long forgotten time capsule, the old man finds a few small items hidden behind the brick that he’d placed there decades before. He says to his son, “My treasure—a few toys and three quarters! I put them here once, and after all these years later, they’re still here. Isn’t that something! Isn’t it strange how the world sticks and moves like that?” While watching that scene from my favorite television show This Is Us, I couldn’t help but be wistful for such a road trip with my own father, now housebound and no longer able to travel. Many of us Baby Boomers are facing that “sticks and moves” time of life. It’s harder than we thought it would be, yet more beautiful than we could have ever imagined. My husband, Rick, and I are in that season of life where our fathers are nearing the end of their earthly lives—both more nostalgic about days gone by—while our first grandson, Liam, is just beginning his days. While his great-grandfathers are negotiating walkers or wheelchairs for the first time, Liam will soon pull up to a standing position in his crib for the first time. While I wonder how much longer I’ll hear my father’s voice . . . first words will soon be spoken by my new grandson. The groaning of the aging process in this life—mixed with the beginning of a new life—is how it should be. Both are beautiful and sacred journeys for the people we love the most. The lyrical Psalm 139 comes to mind. I memorized those stunning words when I was pregnant with my first daughter, Christie, now Liam’s mama. And I love how those same words resonate just as beautifully with my…

Praise Talk Movement

July 11, 2017

I’ve been to many funerals where I’ve wondered if the family spoke words of adoration over their loved one while they were still living. Sadly, we often wait until someone is gone to speak praise about them. Oh, we might write encouraging notes, or say “I love you” or “I’m proud of you!” But how often do we push pause and speak paragraphs of praise over those we love the most? When my mother no longer knew me, or even her own name due to Alzheimer’s, I was speaking blessing over her one day. I told her what an amazing mother she had been: filling our home with her joyful singing, delicious meals, and compassionate love. She looked at me with a blank expression and said, “that sounds wonderful,” not knowing I was talking about her! Thankfully, I spoke much praise over my mother while she was still living and able to understand, but I wish I had done it more often than not. My husband would tell you that his favorite birthday gift ever was when our family shared what he meant to us. Months before, our nest had emptied quickly when our two daughters got married just three months apart and moved hundreds of miles away. Christie and Kelly Skyped their dad on his birthday and began to speak blessings over the father they adored. They thanked him for how hard he’d worked to save money for their college and weddings. They reminisced about their daddy-daughter dates where he’d take them hiking, four-wheeling, or dirt biking through our mountains. Both talked about how they knew what to look for in a husband because of how their dad treated them while they were growing up. We all cried happy tears together as we celebrated the man we love so dearly, and when the call was over my Rick said, “best gift ever” on his fifty-seventh birthday. What if we started a movement where we choose to speak blessing or praise over at least one person every day? . . . over a husband who works so hard to provide for his family. . . . over an elderly parent nearing the end of her life. . . . over a single dad, telling him he is a good, good father. Let’s take time to tell a middle-aged grandma she’s beautiful and a little girl that she’s brave. Marvel at a child’s…

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